In the Man Store, There Are No Upgrades!

Moral of the story is: Love the one you are with.

A woman walks into a store and tells the salesman. “Hi, I would like to return this husband for the upgraded version. I’ve had him for 30 years and I figured the newer ones probably accept more input, and have better firmware.”

“I’m sorry, Ms., but there are no upgrades,” the salesman says.

“What? But there has to have been some improvements in the last 30 years,” the woman says.

“No Ma’am, same version that has been around for the last million years,” he says.

“But I see a large selection here. What are the differences between all these?” she says.

“Well they do come in different shapes and sizes and you can get some variations in specific annoyances but it’s the same model,” he says.

“But look at these. They look much better than what I have,” she says.

“True, but once you get them home they all look the same.”

“No. I don’t believe you. Look at how shiny this one is! And new! And handsome! Tell me about this model,” the woman asks.

“Well, this model is shiny and handsome. He will always think you look sexy, and you will have an abundant sex life,” the salesman says.

“I would like to feel sexy again,” she bats her lashes at the shiny model.

“Yes, sexy on one hand and wildly insecure on the other,” the salesman murmurs.

“What does this mean: two DD mistresses included?” she asks reading the fine print.

“Yes, this model has the mistresses included,” the salesman says.

“It is never sold separately?”

“Sometimes they are sold separately, but they will need new mistresses pretty quickly.”

“Oh. OK. Then is there one that is a good listener?” she asks.


“Excuse me, Sir. Is there one that is a good listener?”

“Huh?” the salesman asks.

“A good listener?” the woman asks again.

“Yes Ma’am, right over here,” the salesman says.

“Oh, he does seem sweet. So cute,” the woman says.

“Yes, he is the sweetest you can get. He is sensitive and creative. He will write you love songs and fill your life with romance. He will always be interested in you, always listen you, and he will adore you,” the salesman says.

“Great, I’ll take this one. Except what is that asterisk by him? Non-working model. What does that mean?” the woman asks.

“He spends all of his time loving you. He can’t really hold down a job now can he?” the salesman says.

“I would like for him to have a job. Do you have a successful one?” she asks.

“Yes, right over here. Our successful model is very popular.” He shows her to another room.

“Oh, good. So is he a good listener?” she asks.

“Sorry Ma’am, this model has high output but cannot process input.” 

“What about romance?” she asks.

“Not available in this model.”

“Hmm, sounds a lot like the one I already have,” the woman says.

“Ma’am, as I have said, there are no upgrades. This is not a car dealer where you can pay more for a deluxe model. Every positive comes with a negative. And often it is the very positive thing that attracted you to him in the first place that becomes the negative,” he says.

“What? That cannot be true,” she says.

“You say you want a successful one, but I assume that is what you already have. You want him to work and support you but then you are angry because he is not home being attentive to you. You punish him for the very thing that attracted you to him,” the salesman says.

“Well, no … I don’t think … no, that’s not it. He never listens to me,” she shakes her head and then ventures into another salesroom. “Ohhh, so how about this one? Looks like he cooks and cleans, has good taste in furniture, is a good listener. He is handsome, well built, has a successful job, is good to his mother. Why can’t I get that model?” she asks.

“That is an excellent model Ma’am, but as you can see this model prefers to be with the other male models.”

“Yes, but … can’t you just … I mean, do they ever change to…” she asks.

“No.” he says.

“Never? I mean I’ve heard stories that …” she says.

“Never,” the salesman says.

Frustrated she moves onto another large room. “What about these ones?”

“These are damaged models that have been returned because they are bitter, angry, heart-broken, or scared. Usually it is the producer’s fault, but sometimes it happens after they have been purchased,” he says.

“Oh, like fixer-uppers?” the woman asks, a little intrigued.

“Well lady, they all come as is, and I have to be honest, women tend to see every model, damaged or not, as a fixer-upper so I can only keep emphasizing that they come as is."  

“OK,” she looks at her feet. “Is there anything else I can look at?”

"Ma’am, if I may be so rude as to say, I think what you are looking for is a wife.”

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Dedicated to: You know who...

Jennifer Harrington February 15, 2012 at 03:10 PM
Your followers on the West coast are laughing really hard! Best line, "Hmm, seems like the one I already have.". Love it.
Scott Harrington February 15, 2012 at 11:57 PM
You should have kept this idea a secret because someone is going to steal it for a movis dream scene in a chick flick. Hilarious.
John Dolac February 16, 2012 at 02:02 AM
Very funny! And of course for something to be funny there has to be some truth to it.
Mason February 16, 2012 at 06:16 AM
People are exactly who they are when you met them. Love the article as always!! Good topic to sit and mull around in you head.
Melody Urso February 16, 2012 at 11:55 AM
Excellent article and so very, very true....sure made me smile this morning!
"Shawn" Creative Photography February 16, 2012 at 04:16 PM
This is toooooo Funny ! Surprised she didn't just want one with money as most do.... I can't wait to read the one where the Husband goes in LQQKING for a Newer Upgraded (probably) Younger Model. That's going to be a Hoot as well I'm Sure.
Heather February 27, 2012 at 12:34 PM
I loved this - it is so so so true. Thanks for making me laugh out loud, as usual. Can't wait for the next article! I wish you wrote every day!


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