Having a Senior Moment: When to Start Making Health Care Plans

My friend Angela and I were out jogging the other day.  The subject of aging parents came into our conversation.  Angela knew that I had worked in an Assisted Living Facility (ALF) and she wanted some insight into the decision making process.

We discussed that often the roles of children and parents are reversed.  That sometimes it seems as if the parent has lost or is losing the ability to reason in some areas.  Many times children feel as if they are the parent and the parent has become an unruly teenager.

As the brain ages, it goes through physical changes sometimes affecting the reasoning areas as well as the filtering process.  Older adults may lose the ability to keep opinions to themselves, or lose lifelong inhibitions.  As a consultant in the ALF arena, I often heard children say “My mother never used to say things like that when we were growing up!”  Or, “I just can’t get my dad to listen to me!”

Angela expressed concerns about living several states away from her parents, and about how to get her stubborn father to make reasonable choices about the future.  After we finished jogging, I offered her a list of suggestions or steps to take.  My list follows:

• Encourage your parents to declare a healthcare surrogate, someone who can speak for them when they can’t.
• Get a valid will and give a copy to all family members. 
• If your parents have a home, assets, and funds in basic banking accounts, speak to an elder law attorney about the best way to handle these assets in the event dad can longer make sound decisions. Go as a family so everyone knows the status.
• Take the family shopping for a nursing home or ALF before the need arises and let mom tell you what she likes or dislikes about each one.
• Have the conversation about what happens if dad doesn’t get a chance to decide when and where he passes away.  If a crisis lands him in a hospital or rehab—will he choose to sign a “Do Not Resuscitate” (DNR) form?  It is not a requirement to sign it but some hospitals present it in such a way that a patient feels pressure to do so.

Reassure your parents you are not trying to dominate their personal affairs right now, but that you wish to create a PLAN so that you are not making decisions in the midst of a health crisis such as heart attack or stroke.  Now would be a good time to forgive or resolve old family resentments and strengthen family bonds before a crisis can create more stress on the relationships.  You will need their support during rough times.

Having a family session with a good elder law attorney will erase some fears, and organize the paperwork involved in future planning.  The attorney will ask the hard questions so you don’t have to.  There are counselors and groups who support the aging process.  If you are struggling with emotional hurdles, get help.  I used to tell my clients it is never too early to make plans for the aging process.  Being prepared takes a lot of the fear out of it.